I wish I could honestly say that the reason I haven't posted in three weeks is because of my oldest daughter's college graduation, or driving to pick up my youngest daughter from college, or getting the cabins ready for both of their returns home, or...... . But that would not be completely truthful. The other reason is that I let a family disagreement fester until it created separation in our relationship, and that turned to silence, and that led to a feeling of emptiness. Then I went into coping mode. Sure, I functioned, and said the right things, but inside there was nothingness. No joy, no peace, no insights when reading scripture, no closeness in prayer, and very little progress in any area of life.
I write this only out of obligation. If I was only writing a private journal, I would stop and pick it up when things in life were 'good' again. But I've committed to keeping a public record (sorry for the discouraging account of my results!) until either I'm certain that the fully engaged life I see in the Bible isn't possible in today's society, or I start consistently living what I believe. So, I'll seek to find the Path again. I've begun to make amends with the person I had the conflict with, and hopefully / prayerfully, there will be oneness in that relationship again...soon. Maybe, if I keep up this blog better, I will have the courage to post in the midst of problems, instead of when I start to 'right the ship'.
Plan: Read over my early posts where the path in life seemed so clear. Pray that the Holy Spirit shows me how I could have turned the conflict into a blessing early in the process. Ask the other person in the conflict to do the same. (Hey, I believe that one came from the Holy Spirit since it just popped into my mind.) Get together with them and see how we can implement what we've learned, and get in agreement of how to handle future situations before they fester and become conflict.
OK, here's committing to a new post on this plan by Sunday.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Failure It Is
This will be a short post. I promised to give weekly updates on my attempt to live a more disciplined life, and any changes in life that appear to come from it. I set my goal of spending no more than 15 minutes each day on social media / surfing the internet. I must report that my attempt has only been that, an attempt. I really had no idea how much time I spent / wasted.
My plan has been useful. I have been made aware of how I'm spending my time. I have prayed much more than usual. (I haven't started any new good works though.) And even though I failed, I'm encouraged to keep moving towards the goal. I'm even finding that I have less desire for information!
So, there it is, confession...they say it is good for the soul...we shall see!
My plan has been useful. I have been made aware of how I'm spending my time. I have prayed much more than usual. (I haven't started any new good works though.) And even though I failed, I'm encouraged to keep moving towards the goal. I'm even finding that I have less desire for information!
So, there it is, confession...they say it is good for the soul...we shall see!
Thursday, April 30, 2015
A 'Spiritual' Decision
I almost feel as if I shouldn't post this one because it involves our family so fully, but this blog is written to document the decisions and events in my journey to become the man God wants me to be, so here it is, in all its jaggedness.
The last week of prayer and meditation has been leading up to this morning. Today was the day to make the final decision on whether to take a job that payed really well, and that would be a solution to all our financial issues, but that would take me away from home for at least fifteen months. Below is a summary of how we made the decision.
1. Our children's input. Veronica brought up the book "The Five Love Languages" yesterday when talking with Bobbie. She had taken the test to find out her 'love language', and felt the test really was valid. She told me today how important it was to have a family that she could fall back on when times get hard. (Bobbie started thinking that her love language was acts of service, and that if I was away for a long time, she might start to 'feel' distant from me because her needs were not being met.) Michael did something very unusual this morning. We just finished praying and were ready for our morning coffee and Bible reading. He sent a FB message and said he probably had a ride up this weekend (he comes home to do laundry and play ping pong if there isn't a group in the chapel) and wanted to know if we had a group up. Michael then probably gave the most convincing answer to our question of God's will in making this decision when he said that he had a friend he wanted to bring up. He wanted us to spend some time interacting with her so she could see an example of a good marriage. Wow, and this came from Michael, who chooses his words carefully. And last night, we asked Jeremy directly what he thought about the decision. He was really clear about what he felt; relationships trump everything. They are more important than possessions, or money, or vacations or jobs...they trump everything. One of his questions made it starkly clear that I would be leaving my family simply for more money. And he said the relationship Bobbie and I have would suffer if we were apart. Jessica doesn't even know about the job possibility because she has been preparing for her final nursing test today, and we didn't want her to be distracted. p.s. - Talked with Jessica after her test. Her response was "Every time you've interviewed for jobs away from home I've asked why. You know it won't be good for the family, especially your marriage. The retreat is getting more and more business, so why leave now? And I agree with Jeremy, once you leave home you begin to understand how important relationships are. Not everyone has that opportunity!"
2. Bobbie's drive in to work this morning. After praying and clearing her mind, the words to a song came to her mind and she sang "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you". She took that to mean what it says, focus on God's spiritual kingdom above all! The verse "It is not good that man should be alone" also came to her mind. Bobbie ended our phone call with the following: I just have to remind myself that God wants me to be content with what I have, and with the situation I find myself in. We have an amazing property, with so much infrastructure already in place. Concerning the ministry we have here at the property, we can focus on getting the grounds and structures we already have in great shape and being used fully. The other dreams can just wait until God provides the funds. She also said she felt God telling her that He had already told her His answer: Listen to your husband. (Great! Now the decision is back with me!)
3. Bobbie and I both looked back at the years I spent away from home in Atlanta and South Carolina and realized that we were just in a holding pattern, looking forward the time when we would be together full-time. We did not grow spiritually, and there was a sense of frustration for both of us. She said that there is no comparison to how she has felt the last two years since I've been back home.
4. This morning, we read from John 3:25-36. It stood out to me that neither Jesus or John the Baptist left their disciples to go to Egypt in order to make better money so they could build a school to teach. Jesus didn't have a place to lay His head, and John was in the wilderness.
5. Last night, we discussed how none of the Christians of old who lived lives we respect (Mueller, Nee, Taylor, Finney...) left their families, and put their relationships on hold while they went to make more money so they could build better buildings. They all focused on people...relationships, and God provided what they needed.
6. We both see great opportunities in the Christian community locally. We are challenged each time we meet with other Christians. We believe this will only get better.
7. I met with my friend Warren last Sunday. In summary he said that although he didn't see anything wrong with taking the job, that he felt it would have a negative impact on our marriage. He told me about a job decision he had made earlier in life when he was offered a promotion that would have forced his family to move. While praying he felt as if God brought to his memory the times when he had told people how important his family was to him. Then he felt God saying this is what you've said with your mouth, now will you live it? He turned down the job. He also felt the same way Jeremy did, relationships are more important than anything else in life.
8. Finally, I remembered back to all the times I've made decisions based on money or what I felt would be the most interesting job. I know that my decisions must be based on spiritual criteria if they are to stand the test of time, even when it appears to me that there is an easy way to 'fix' all my pressing issues.
In summary, we are opening a new chapter in our lives. One where we focus on the people in the place we are instead of always looking over the horizon. I didn't accept the job offer.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Where the rubber meets the road
Where the rubber meets the road.
I know this is mundane stuff, but I'm using this blog to document anything related to my life as a follower of Jesus. I'm doing this to help hold me more accountable for the way I spend my resources of time, talents, and treasure. My prayer is that this process will help bring my entire life under the control of the Holy Spirit. After all, if I tell people that I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, the actions in my life should reflect what I say.
The issue I'm facing right now will impact my life and those around me for over a year. My wife and I are building a Christian retreat. We have been in the process for years, and are making steady progress. But, we are funding it ourselves, and 'we ain't rich'! Last week I received a job offer for about three times the money I can make in our local area. But it will require that I work away from home for at least 14 months. If I take the job, we can pay off our credit card debt, build the last three structures we envision for the retreat, and I'll come back with computer programming skills I don't currently have. Unfortunately, that would come at the cost of rarely seeing my family. Since our youngest child started college last year, it isn't like I have to be here for the kids, but since all four will be home this summer, it would be hard not to see / work along side them.
I've always taken the easy way out in the past. My criteria for taking a job has always been that it pay well, and be in an interesting part of the country. I don't want to take the easy route any longer. And, on top of that, my church is amazing! The people are energized, supportive, and seeking to know God. The pastor has a love for his 'flock', is willing to address difficult issues within the church, explains God's Word clearly and pointedly, and fervently desires that our city know God! When I look at my life here, I feel I'd be an idiot to leave. Why can't I at least be having problems with my wife? I could then 'justify' leaving so each of us could have our 'space'. Unfortunately (fortunately!) my wife is amazing! All the time we are together is good! How many men can honestly say they feel that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence? I can, and do.
So, the pro argument for taking the job is that: the money is very good, it will give us a lot of breathing room financially, and if I don't take this opportunity, it won't come along again. The con argument is that I feel I'm in almost exactly the place I've always wanted to be in life. I know, when I read this blog, I will question my sanity if I take the job. But, making the most money, in the most interesting place, with a job I like, is what I've always done. And old habits are hard to break.
For better or worse, I'll make and share the decision this week.
I know this is mundane stuff, but I'm using this blog to document anything related to my life as a follower of Jesus. I'm doing this to help hold me more accountable for the way I spend my resources of time, talents, and treasure. My prayer is that this process will help bring my entire life under the control of the Holy Spirit. After all, if I tell people that I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, the actions in my life should reflect what I say.
The issue I'm facing right now will impact my life and those around me for over a year. My wife and I are building a Christian retreat. We have been in the process for years, and are making steady progress. But, we are funding it ourselves, and 'we ain't rich'! Last week I received a job offer for about three times the money I can make in our local area. But it will require that I work away from home for at least 14 months. If I take the job, we can pay off our credit card debt, build the last three structures we envision for the retreat, and I'll come back with computer programming skills I don't currently have. Unfortunately, that would come at the cost of rarely seeing my family. Since our youngest child started college last year, it isn't like I have to be here for the kids, but since all four will be home this summer, it would be hard not to see / work along side them.
I've always taken the easy way out in the past. My criteria for taking a job has always been that it pay well, and be in an interesting part of the country. I don't want to take the easy route any longer. And, on top of that, my church is amazing! The people are energized, supportive, and seeking to know God. The pastor has a love for his 'flock', is willing to address difficult issues within the church, explains God's Word clearly and pointedly, and fervently desires that our city know God! When I look at my life here, I feel I'd be an idiot to leave. Why can't I at least be having problems with my wife? I could then 'justify' leaving so each of us could have our 'space'. Unfortunately (fortunately!) my wife is amazing! All the time we are together is good! How many men can honestly say they feel that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence? I can, and do.
So, the pro argument for taking the job is that: the money is very good, it will give us a lot of breathing room financially, and if I don't take this opportunity, it won't come along again. The con argument is that I feel I'm in almost exactly the place I've always wanted to be in life. I know, when I read this blog, I will question my sanity if I take the job. But, making the most money, in the most interesting place, with a job I like, is what I've always done. And old habits are hard to break.
For better or worse, I'll make and share the decision this week.
Living a more Disciplined Life.
This weekend I had the thought (or was it the Holy Spirit directing my thoughts?) that it is possible that the media: sports / social media / CNN / Drudge Report.... is filling my mind (and taking up my time) so completely that I am distracted from the real issues in the real lives around me.
So, here is my first public test. I intend to live through the end of May on a drastic media diet. I'll spend no more than 15 min a day reading anything media-related apart from work related items. Anytime I feel drawn to 'media', I'll use that time to pray or take some action that will fulfill Matthew 5:13-16 where Jesus states we should live in a way 'that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven'.
I'll try to post a short update at least weekly on my success / failures, but more often if I start to actually see results in my life because of these actions.
This weekend I had the thought (or was it the Holy Spirit directing my thoughts?) that it is possible that the media: sports / social media / CNN / Drudge Report.... is filling my mind (and taking up my time) so completely that I am distracted from the real issues in the real lives around me.
So, here is my first public test. I intend to live through the end of May on a drastic media diet. I'll spend no more than 15 min a day reading anything media-related apart from work related items. Anytime I feel drawn to 'media', I'll use that time to pray or take some action that will fulfill Matthew 5:13-16 where Jesus states we should live in a way 'that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven'.
I'll try to post a short update at least weekly on my success / failures, but more often if I start to actually see results in my life because of these actions.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Could it be the Holy Spirit working?
I have to be true to the purpose of this blog and record what I experience, no matter how mundane it might seem to someone reading it. And, if I don't keep a record of my days, I will forget things that might seem to be unimportant.
Today I was killing time waiting to complete a transaction for a zero-turn mower in the little town of Fort Payne, AL. The transaction time was stretching past lunch, so I decided to eat and then check to see if the paperwork was complete.
I went to our favorite restaurant, Chow King Buffet, and when the hostess was seating me at a table I asked if they had a booth available...just because they are more comfortable. She found one in the far back. As I was coming back with my first plate of food, the hostess came back with a Hispanic father named Santos with his young son. I overheard that they had wanted a booth. I immediately said they could have mine since I hadn't started eating and I moved over to the table next to them. Not a big thing at all, but me moving just flowed naturally, not contrived. They waitress thanked me profusely, and I made small talk with the father. He was from a small town nearby, and during the course of the conversation, I found out what he did for a living. Then he told me of his past. In 2013, three of his teenage children died in a house fire. He showed me the burns on his arm. That led to a deeper conversation. He said it took over a year before he could gather enough motivation to start working again. Eventually, we exchanged phone numbers, and I hope to hire him to help with cutting some trees on our property. Oh, the little boy enjoyed climbing on the booth seats much more than I would have!
OK, nothing big, but I connected with him instead of just working on my to-do list. We'll see how it turns out, but I pray the Holy Spirit will work in our relationship so both of us will be built up spiritually. Also, in every stop along my way today, I had conversations; some were meaningful. I pray the Holy Spirit will take the small connections, and make them bigger...for the glory of our Creator. And finally, even though there was a three hour delay getting paperwork at the store where I bought the lawnmower, it didn't bother me at all. I might even have had a God-appointed meeting.
Today I was killing time waiting to complete a transaction for a zero-turn mower in the little town of Fort Payne, AL. The transaction time was stretching past lunch, so I decided to eat and then check to see if the paperwork was complete.
I went to our favorite restaurant, Chow King Buffet, and when the hostess was seating me at a table I asked if they had a booth available...just because they are more comfortable. She found one in the far back. As I was coming back with my first plate of food, the hostess came back with a Hispanic father named Santos with his young son. I overheard that they had wanted a booth. I immediately said they could have mine since I hadn't started eating and I moved over to the table next to them. Not a big thing at all, but me moving just flowed naturally, not contrived. They waitress thanked me profusely, and I made small talk with the father. He was from a small town nearby, and during the course of the conversation, I found out what he did for a living. Then he told me of his past. In 2013, three of his teenage children died in a house fire. He showed me the burns on his arm. That led to a deeper conversation. He said it took over a year before he could gather enough motivation to start working again. Eventually, we exchanged phone numbers, and I hope to hire him to help with cutting some trees on our property. Oh, the little boy enjoyed climbing on the booth seats much more than I would have!
OK, nothing big, but I connected with him instead of just working on my to-do list. We'll see how it turns out, but I pray the Holy Spirit will work in our relationship so both of us will be built up spiritually. Also, in every stop along my way today, I had conversations; some were meaningful. I pray the Holy Spirit will take the small connections, and make them bigger...for the glory of our Creator. And finally, even though there was a three hour delay getting paperwork at the store where I bought the lawnmower, it didn't bother me at all. I might even have had a God-appointed meeting.
'Seeing' with Spiritual Eyes
Maundy Thursday.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record of my journey towards Yahweh, my Creator after determining to go 'all in' as I seek Him. I assume that most of the entries will be the spiritual experiences that impact me, changes that I see in my life, or records of my interaction with the community around me. Since I've never kept a blog, or even a diary, time will reveal its' benefits.
On Maundy Thursday this year, our church had a service that was remarkable in its' impact on those there. It was simple and solemn. There was no sermon. Just four people on stools up on the stage leading us in singing and reading scripture or an interpretation of scripture. But somehow, it transported me to Jesus' last days on this earth. I 'saw' Jesus standing in the midst of the chaos as He was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane, questioned by the high priest, mocked and beaten. When I 'saw' Jesus, I was struck by how calm He was. I could sense He knew that this was the beginning of the process that would lead to His death by crucifixion and separation from His Father. And yet, I 'saw' how He accepted, even embraced His suffering as being what was needed to reconstruct mankind into the image of God. Later in the service, I 'saw' Him exhausted and stumbling down the streets carrying the very cross to which He would be nailed. Here again, I 'saw' Him fully accepting this torture as what was needed for mankind's redemption. Finally, as He was taken down from the cross, I could 'feel' His very skin split open from the lashes and beatings. (Since that service, I've been able to at least picture myself accepting the plan God has for me. I can at least 'see' myself in the midst of turmoil, knowing that Yahweh, my Creator, loves the people I'm interacting with, and that He will use whatever happens to fulfill His plan in our lives.)
As I experienced this deeper understanding of what Jesus went through, I could sense myself 'feeling' differently about everyone I would meet. Really seeing people for who they are. Speaking with people with the certainty of knowing the Holy Spirit would provide the words of life they needed to hear. As I'm writing this entry, I'm listening to Chip Ingram and the series "Doing Good". He speaks of a 6'4" man that always came to church in high heels and a bright red dress. Chip states that he always made it a point to greet the man, and tell him he was really glad he was there, and that God loved him. When I heard Chip's story, I had the same 'feeling' I did on Maundy Thursday. It drove home the point that the words Jesus spoke in Luke 4:18 really do sum up why He came and lived among us. "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord."
Ever since I've gotten married and had kids, I've avoided 'dangerous' people. And I'm sure my internal judgement of those 'different' people was sensed by them. I might have tolerated their right to be different, but I never 'felt' love towards them. I pray that the Holy Spirit takes me where I am, with the small spark of love towards others, and that a metamorphosis will take place, changing me from a man who cares mainly about his own needs / judgements, into a man who sees people through Jesus' eyes and intervenes as He leads.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record of my journey towards Yahweh, my Creator after determining to go 'all in' as I seek Him. I assume that most of the entries will be the spiritual experiences that impact me, changes that I see in my life, or records of my interaction with the community around me. Since I've never kept a blog, or even a diary, time will reveal its' benefits.
On Maundy Thursday this year, our church had a service that was remarkable in its' impact on those there. It was simple and solemn. There was no sermon. Just four people on stools up on the stage leading us in singing and reading scripture or an interpretation of scripture. But somehow, it transported me to Jesus' last days on this earth. I 'saw' Jesus standing in the midst of the chaos as He was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane, questioned by the high priest, mocked and beaten. When I 'saw' Jesus, I was struck by how calm He was. I could sense He knew that this was the beginning of the process that would lead to His death by crucifixion and separation from His Father. And yet, I 'saw' how He accepted, even embraced His suffering as being what was needed to reconstruct mankind into the image of God. Later in the service, I 'saw' Him exhausted and stumbling down the streets carrying the very cross to which He would be nailed. Here again, I 'saw' Him fully accepting this torture as what was needed for mankind's redemption. Finally, as He was taken down from the cross, I could 'feel' His very skin split open from the lashes and beatings. (Since that service, I've been able to at least picture myself accepting the plan God has for me. I can at least 'see' myself in the midst of turmoil, knowing that Yahweh, my Creator, loves the people I'm interacting with, and that He will use whatever happens to fulfill His plan in our lives.)
As I experienced this deeper understanding of what Jesus went through, I could sense myself 'feeling' differently about everyone I would meet. Really seeing people for who they are. Speaking with people with the certainty of knowing the Holy Spirit would provide the words of life they needed to hear. As I'm writing this entry, I'm listening to Chip Ingram and the series "Doing Good". He speaks of a 6'4" man that always came to church in high heels and a bright red dress. Chip states that he always made it a point to greet the man, and tell him he was really glad he was there, and that God loved him. When I heard Chip's story, I had the same 'feeling' I did on Maundy Thursday. It drove home the point that the words Jesus spoke in Luke 4:18 really do sum up why He came and lived among us. "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord."
Ever since I've gotten married and had kids, I've avoided 'dangerous' people. And I'm sure my internal judgement of those 'different' people was sensed by them. I might have tolerated their right to be different, but I never 'felt' love towards them. I pray that the Holy Spirit takes me where I am, with the small spark of love towards others, and that a metamorphosis will take place, changing me from a man who cares mainly about his own needs / judgements, into a man who sees people through Jesus' eyes and intervenes as He leads.
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